Okay it took me a whole day to figure out what was going on. So my mom called me yesterday and told me she had an urging feeling to tell me to "get out of it" for whatever I was doing.
She explained of all things I have said and done past few weeks she could tell the direction and velocity of where it was going.
She said I needed to slow down and focus on school and that she could easily envision a terrible outcome.
I agreed with her as I felt the same thing.
I didn't know how to put it to words and I had to research it and ask google/claude a lot.
I believe my spiritual capacity is too weak for both Pascha and reception and Eucharist. It seems my mind can't handle too much reverential activity without undergoing some type of spiritual delusion or mentally disordered/scrupulous thinking.
I don't know if this is a symptom of spiritual immaturity, mental illness or simply a phrenoma issue. Maybe all three.
I view it as a mercy to change the timing rather than push through that. Or wait until a less intense season.
To add to this my grandma is in hospice and we are spending time with her, my school work is of course just wow (I enjoy it though).
Obviously I want to go to Pascha.
Honestly I was gung-ho about reception with Pascha and I really wanted it. I see now that hopefully the Lord will increase my capacity for these things.
We can discuss this one at any point as it is a general source of phronematic tension. I just got to put it here as it is related:
I will ask, monastics typically do hard labor, grow a garden or do trades. I know these are viewed as good and healthy in service to the Lord. What about Computer Science and Machine Learning, this is my concentration with my PhD/M.S.
Is that possible to serve the Lord with? In my mind I feel these two, church and a ML/CS career, are separate things that pull from each other. Besides tithing (obvious one), how could I serve the Lord through my potential career? Monastics directly help people which makes it obvious for them they are serving the Lord.
I have been struggling with this since letting go of the "protestant work-ethic" / "prosperity gospel mindsets" last year.